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Ramblings of a Guilt-filled-Mummy

ESDIL
Mar 22, 2017
2 min read

People always tell you how having children can change you. What nobody tells you is how they can break you. This morning is one of those mornings. I feel completely broken, a build up of a lot of long, hard weeks in both my business and my husband's job. Weeks where I feel that something has to give; but what is there to give? Is it to be the class mum representative (which I took over in order to feel less insignificant at school) or the fundraising for the playgroup which has literally saved my sanity time and time again. Or is it my roles at home; Mum, wife, cook, launderer, sporadic cleaner? Or my business?

I need to make space in my life for me. But WHERE?

This morning I had a melt-down of epic proportions. I hollered at Miss I for not getting dressed/putting her knickers/socks/vest on the first 25 times I asked her. I wish I were exaggerating. Unfortunately that's the complete truth. Something inside me snapped after 30 minutes of attempting to get her to eat an apparently poisonous bowl of Weetabix (perhaps it's that they're Sainsbury's own brand and they're round?!). Follow that with another 30 minutes of attempting to get her to get dressed - something she will not let me help her with. It's 5degrees out and it's p*ssing it down with rain. I don't really fancy another day like last week where I attempted to call her bluff and got her to walk outside to get in the car wearing ONLY her undone coat, only to be faced with a poor man walking his dog.

So after getting her dressed myself huffy-style we finally leave the house and i'm filled with Mummy-guilt. We drop Miss A at school and head on to playgroup - which I'm dreading as this week it's "Mummy Stay and Play" for Mother's Day - what a treat! Lucky me!

I cried in the coat room, I had a long discussion with her key carer about her behaviour; which as I know is completely impeccable in anyone else's company. This child looks like a china bloomin' doll. Long blonde hair, flawless (in my opinion) features. And don't get me wrong - she can be sweet. Just she can also be a complete pain in the rear and this morning she decided she would show me.

She broke me.